I wont go into too much detail b/c it is very personal stuff, but to sum it all up: my brother died a very untimely death after a bizarre and tragic accident in late June, one of my beloved nephews started having some scary medical issues, and early July-early August brought me some of the worst emotional experiences I have ever had to deal with in terms of relationship Bull Shnaz. Clearly, the devil was busy trying to bring me down. I almost let him win...
Even before all of that happened I hadn't been exactly following my meal plan. I was cheating pretty often and I knew I shouldn't have been, but I was just in a weird place and quite frankly, I quit caring. No, that doesn't excuse it, but eating is the only way I have ever known to deal with my emotions. After the devil got done dishing all of that out...well...let's just say that it would be unjust to say I was cheating. I just flat out gave up. I have been eating with complete reckless abandon. Eating every single emotion I feel, every single time I feel one...no matter what it has been. I did not care, I just smothered everything with fast food, junk food, sweets, you name it. Everything and anything bad for me....I have intentionally sought it out and devoured it....usually on more than one occasion. What is the result of that...? I have gained 20lbs since May 2nd. No joke. I am embarrassed to admit that, but the truth is the truth and it is UGLY.
I have been telling people close to me who also struggle with weight issues that "it just hasn't clicked yet" for the past few months. What is "it"? "It" is something that clicks in my head and in my heart at the same time. "It" comes from a deep internal place and it is the burning motivation from within to eat right, exercise consistently, and lose the rest of my weight and to NOT let obesity beat me! For the past few months that "it" has been buried under stress, anxiety, sadness, anger, frustration, loneliness, etc, etc, etc and every time it would try to peek thru, I would smother it with all of the worst foods possible. I kept saying, "I just need it to click and I don't know why it isn't clicking." But the truth is, I did know why it wasn't clicking...I was not LETTING it click. I was blocking it. I was shutting it out. I was AVOIDING it. I lacked all motivation and I just did not care. I was tired of caring, tired of trying, tired of fighting. I basically gave up, all along deep inside me hoping that "it" would just ignore me and CLICK CLICK CLICK.
Then, this morning....out of the blue....IT CLICKED! I finally feel that motivation again. I am ready to fight with vengeance to get back on track and get rid of these 20lbs I have put on. I am SICK of being this size. I hate the way I feel and I have to change it! Period. End of Story. There wasn't really any one thing that made it click, it just happened when I woke up this morning. I KNOW that if I do not stop while I am ahead that I will be over 400lbs again before I know it. and I REFUSE to let that happen. I am OVER it. I am DONE. I will NOT lose the battle to obesity. I will fight this fight every single day for the rest of my life. OBESITY will NOT beat me. But, truth be told... I am scared. I am nervous. I am anxious. I am so fearful that I will mess it up again. I am fearful I will fail again, but some fear is healthy the way I see it.
As part of my process I know I MUST:
- I MUST get back to blogging regularly as an outlet for my emotions and my progress. Putting things out there on my blog really helps me cleanse my soul and I hope it helps some of my readers in some way. It also keeps me accountable.
- I MUST get back to working out more often than just 3 days a week which is all I have been doing.
- I MUST make healthy food choices that are part of my approved meal plan.
- I MUST utilize my support resources consistently.
- I MUST track my food and exercise daily...b/c as much as I hate doing it...I KNOW it works. I have proven that to myself before.
- I MUST know that I deserve to be fit, healthy and active.
- I MUST know that I deserve to beat obesity...and...
- I MUST know that I will fight this fight every single day for the REST of my life.
- I MUST know that it is within MY CONTROL to make good choices and to take things one step at a time. One bite at at time.
There will be more to come soon sweet readers, I promise.
Till next time....
Lots of love,
Autumn
Hi Autumn,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to read you've been going through such a difficult time. But you are exactly right, you have to have that moment click inside you.
I hope to see you back on here again!